What is being assertive?

Standing up for your rights and not being taken advantage of is one definition of being assertive.
It also means communicating what you really want in a clear fashion, respecting your own rights and feelings and the rights and feelings of others.
Assertion is an honest and appropriate expression of one's feelings, opinions, and needs.
How is Being Assertive different from Being Aggressive?
Being aggressive means standing up for yourself in ways that violate the rights of others.
Aggressive behavior is typically punishing, hostile, blaming, and demanding. It can involve threats, name-calling, and even actual physical contact. It can also involve sarcasm, catty comments, gossip and "slips of the tongue."

What causes people to avoid being assertive?
Most people are not assertive for fear of displeasing others and of not being liked. However, although you may avoid some immediate unpleasantness by not being assertive, you could also jeopardize the relationship in the long run if you refuse to assert yourself and then feel taken advantage of over and over again

How Assertive Are You?
Ask yourself the following questions.
• Do you ask for help if you need it?
• Do you express anger and annoyance appropriately?
• Do you ask questions when you're confused?
• Do you volunteer your opinions when you think or feel differently from others?
• Do you speak up in class fairly frequently?
• Are you able to say "no" when you don't want to do something?
• Do you speak with a generally confident manner, communicating caring and strength?
• Do you look at people when you're talking to them?

How Do You Communicate?

Good communication skills require a high level of self-awareness. Understanding your personal style of communicating will go a long way toward helping you to create good and lasting impressions on others. By becoming more aware of how others perceive you, you can adapt more readily to their styles of communicating. This does not mean you have to be a chameleon, changing with every personality you meet. Instead, you can make another person more comfortable with you by selecting and emphasizing certain behaviors that fit within your personality and resonate with another.
There are three basic communication styles:
• Aggressive
• Passive
• Assertive


Elements of the Aggressive Style
1. Mottos and Beliefs
o "Everyone should be like me."
o "I am never wrong."
o "I've got rights, but you don't."
2. Communication Style
o Close minded
o Poor listener
o Has difficulty seeing the other person's point of view
o Interrupts
o Monopolizing
3. Characteristics
o Achieves goals, often at others' expense
o Domineering, bullying
o Patronizing
o Condescending, sarcastic
4. Behavior
o Puts others down
o Doesn't ever think they are wrong
o Bossy
o Moves into people's space, overpowers
o Jumps on others, pushes people around
o Know-it-all attitude
o Doesn't show appreciation
5. Nonverbal Cues
o Points, shakes finger
o Frowns
o Squints eyes critically
o Glares
o Stares
o Rigid posture
o Critical, loud, yelling tone of voice
o Fast, clipped speech
6. Verbal Cues
o "You must (should, ought better)."
o "Don't ask why. Just do it."
o Verbal abuse
7. Confrontation and Problem Solving
o Must win arguments, threatens, attacks
o Operates from win/lose position
8. Feelings Felt
o Anger
o Hostility
o Frustration
o Impatience
9. Effects
o Provokes counteraggression, alienation from others, ill health
o Wastes time and energy oversupervising others
o Pays high price in human relationships
o Fosters resistance, defiance, sabotaging, striking back, forming alliances, lying, covering up
o Forces compliance with resentment
Elements of the Passive Style
1. Mottoes and Beliefs
o "Don't express your true feelings."
o "Don't make waves."
o "Don't disagree."
o "Others have more rights than I do."
2. Communication Style
o Indirect
o Always agrees
o Doesn't speak up
o Hesitant
3. Characteristics
o Apologetic, self-conscious
o Trusts others, but not self
o Doesn't express own wants and feelings
o Allows others to make decisions for self
o Doesn't get what he or she wants
4. Behaviors
o Sighs a lot
o Tries to sit on both sides of the fence to avoid conflict
o Clams up when feeling treated unfairly
o Asks permission unnecessarily
o Complains instead of taking action
o Lets others make choices
o Has difficulty implementing plans
o Self-effacing
5. Nonverbal Cues
o Fidgets
o Nods head often; comes across as pleading
o Lack of facial animation
o Smiles and nods in agreement
o Downcast eyes
o Slumped posture
o Low volume, meek
o Up talk
o Fast, when anxious; slow, hesitant, when doubtful
6. Verbal Cues
o "You should do it."
o "You have more experience than I do."
o "I can't......"
o "This is probably wrong, but..."
o "I'll try..."
o Monotone, low energy
7. Confrontation and Problem Solving
o Avoids, ignores, leaves, postpones
o Withdraws, is sullen and silent
o Agrees externally, while disagreeing internally
o Expends energy to avoid conflicts that are anxiety provoking
o Spends too much time asking for advice, supervision
o Agrees too often
8. Feelings Felt
o Powerlessness
o Wonders why doesn't receive credit for good work
o Chalks lack of recognition to others' inabilities
9. Effects
o Gives up being him or herself
o Builds dependency relationships
o Doesn't know where he or she stands
o Slowly loses self esteem
o Promotes others' causes
o Is not well-liked
Elements of the Assertive Style
1. Mottoes and Beliefs
o Believes self and others are valuable
o Knowing that assertiveness doesn't mean you always win, but that you handled the situation as effectively as possible
o "I have rights and so do others."
2. Communication Style
o Effective, active listener
o States limits, expectations
o States observations, no labels or judgments
o Expresses self directly, honestly, and as soon as possible about feelings and wants
o Checks on others feelings
3. Characteristics
o Non-judgmental
o Observes behavior rather than labeling it
o Trusts self and others
o Confident
o Self-aware
o Open, flexible, versatile
o Playful, sense of humor
o Decisive
o Proactive, initiating
4. Behavior
o Operates from choice
o Knows what it is needed and develops a plan to get it
o Action-oriented
o Firm
o Realistic in her expectations
o Fair, just
o Consistent
o Takes appropriate action toward getting what she wants without denying rights of others
5. Nonverbal Cues
o Open, natural gestures
o Attentive, interested facial expression
o Direct eye contact
o Confident or relaxed posture
o Vocal volume appropriate, expressive
o Varied rate of speech
6. Verbal Cues
o "I choose to..."
o "What are my options?"
o "What alternatives do we have?"
7. Confrontation and Problem Solving
o Negotiates, bargains, trades off, compromises
o Confronts problems at the time they happen
o Doesn't let negative feelings build up
8. Feelings Felt
o Enthusiasm
o Well being
o Even tempered
9. Effects
o Increased self-esteem and self-confidence
o Increased self-esteem of others
o Feels motivated and understood
o Others know where they stand
Clearly, the assertive style is the one to strive for. Keep in mind that very few people are all one or another style. In fact, the aggressive style is essential at certain times such as:
• when a decision has to be made quickly;
• during emergencies;
• when you know you're right and that fact is crucial;
• stimulating creativity by designing competitions destined for use in training or to increase productivity.
Passiveness also has its critical applications:
• when an issue is minor;
• when the problems caused by the conflict are greater than the conflict itself;
• when emotions are running high and it makes sense to take a break in order to calm down and regain perspective;
• when your power is much lower than the other party's;
• when the other's position is impossible to change for all practical purposes (i.e., government policies, etc.).
Remaining aware of your own communication style and fine-tuning it as time goes by gives you the best chance of success in business and life.

A Code for Life

Don Miguel Ruiz's book, The Four Agreements was published in 1997. For many, The Four Agreements is a life-changing book, whose ideas come from the ancient Toltec wisdom of the native people of Southern Mexico. The Toltec were 'people of knowledge' - scientists and artists who created a society to explore and conserve the traditional spiritual knowledge and practices of their ancestors. The Toltec viewed science and spirit as part of the same entity, believing that all energy - material or ethereal - is derived from and governed by the universe. Here is how Don Miguel Ruiz summarizes 'The Four Agreements':

Agreement 1
Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Agreement 2
Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Agreement 3
Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Agreement 4
Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Habits for Success

Dr Stephen Covey's
7 Habits of Highly Effective People®
Dr Stephen Covey, a renowned writer, speaker, academic and humanist, is a hugely influential management guru, whose book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, became a blueprint for personal development when it was published in 1990. The Seven Habits are said by some to be easy to understand but not as easy to apply. Don't let the challenge daunt you: The 'Seven Habits' are a remarkable set of inspirational and aspirational standards for anyone who seeks to live a full, purposeful and good life, and are applicable today more than ever, as the business world becomes more attuned to humanist concepts. Covey's values are full of integrity and humanity, and contrast strongly with the process-based ideologies that characterized management thinking in earlier times.
Seven habits of highly effective people®
Habit 1 - be proactive®
This is the ability to control one's environment, rather than have it control you, as is so often the case. Self determination, choice, and the power to decide response to stimulus, conditions and circumstances
Habit 2 - begin with the end in mind®
Covey calls this the habit of personal leadership - leading oneself that is, towards what you consider your aims. By developing the habit of concentrating on relevant activities you will build a platform to avoid distractions and become more productive and successful.
Habit 3 - put first things first®
Covey calls this the habit of personal management. This is about organizing and implementing activities in line with the aims established in habit 2. Covey says that habit 2 is the first or mental creation; habit 3 is the second or physical creation.
Habit 4 - think win-win®
Covey calls this the habit of interpersonal leadership, necessary because achievements are largely dependent on co-operative efforts with others. He says that win-win is based on the assumption that there is plenty for everyone, and that success follows a co-operative approach more naturally than the confrontation of win-or-lose.
Habit 5 - seek first to understand and then to be understood®
One of the great maxims of the modern age. This is Covey's habit of communication, and it's extremely powerful. Covey helps to explain this in his simple analogy 'diagnose before you prescribe'. Simple and effective, and essential for developing and maintaining positive relationships in all aspects of life.
habit 6 - synergize®
Covey says this is the habit of creative co-operation - the principle that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, which implicitly lays down the challenge to see the good and potential in the other person's contribution.
Habit 7 - sharpen the saw®
This is the habit of self renewal, says Covey, and it necessarily surrounds all the other habits, enabling and encouraging them to happen and grow. Covey interprets the self into four parts: the spiritual, mental, physical and the social/emotional, which all need feeding and developing.
This 7 Habits summary is just a brief overview - the full work is fascinating, comprehensive, and thoroughly uplifting. Read the book, or listen to the full tape series if you can get hold of it.
Various phrases on this page are registered trade marks belonging to Stephen Covey.

Difficult Job Interview Questions

These are some of the tough interview questions that you may be asked on a job interview. Review the questions and consider an appropriate response, based on your background and skills. There aren't necessarily any right or wrong answers, but carefully consider the job you are applying for, your abilities, and the company culture before you respond.

Tough Interview Questions

Questions About Co-Workers and Supervisors
• Tell me about a time when you had to deal with a co-worker who wasn't doing his/her fair share of the work. What did you do and what was the outcome?
• Give me an example of a time when you took the time to share a co-worker's or supervisor's achievements with others?
• Tell me about a time that you didn't work well with a supervisor.
• What was the outcome and how would you have changed the outcome?
• Have you worked with someone you didn't like? If so, how did you handle it?
• Tell me about a time that you helped someone.
• Tell me about a time that you misjudged a person.
• How do you get along with older (younger) co-workers?

Questions About Your Abilities
• Tell me about a time that you worked conveying technical information to a non-technical audience.
• Tell me about a time that you worked with data, interpreting data, and presenting data.
• Why do you think you will be successful at this job?
• Tell me about a time that you participated in a team, what was your role?
Questions About Yourself
• What would you do differently if you could start your working life over?
• How do you balance life and work?
• What is your preferred way to communication - instant message, phone, or email?
• Do you check voicemail and email when on vacation?
• What is your favorite book? How about your favorite movie?
• What historical figure do you admire and why?
• What did you do during this six month gap in employment?
• What led you to this point in your life?

Questions About Your Career Goals
• Start with your graduation from college and explanation the rationale behind each of your career moves.
• Also explain the thinking process that went into making each if those decisions.
• How many hours a day/week do you need to work to get the job done?
• If you stayed with your current company, what would be your next move?
• How do you measure success?
• Describe your dream job.

Job Interview Questions About Yourself and Sample Answers

When the questions are "personal", about you, it can be a very slippery slope. The answers below are guidelines so you can write out your answers long before you go to the interview. Then, when the question is asked, you can take the few seconds (expected by the interviewer) to think about the question and how you will frame your answer (which you already know).

What would you do differently if you could start your working life over?
The interviewer is looking for a detour that continues to be a professional block in your career.

Looking back over my career, I would have returned to school much earlier to complete my Masters degree. Even though I got my degree later than I had originally anticipated, I never lost sight of the goal.

How do you balance life and work?
The interviewer wonders if you've made arrangements for the days when your child is too sick to go to school and/or daycare or if you're "out of there" as soon as it's quitting time.

Best Answer: Being organized helps me balance my professional life and personal life. Consequently, I can be fully engaged while I'm at work. For those unexpected times, I have a good back-up system of child care for my children.

What is your preferred way to communicate?
This is a good opportunity to show you understand the importance of adjusting your preferences when necessary.

At home, I enjoy talking on the phone and emails. At work, I follow the established pattern. Each of my bosses, in the past, has had a preferred method I've followed their lead.

Do you check voicemail and email when on vacation?

The interviewer is wondering whether they will always be able to find you.
Best Answer: While on vacation, I can be reached for emergencies; however, I also know the people with whom I work are very capable of making good decisions while I'm away. I understand the importance of recharging my battery.

What is your favorite book? How about your favorite movie? The interviewer wants to know whether you read to stay current and if you will you fit into the company culture.

Best Answer (include your personal favorites): I read many different kinds of books. My current "favorite" book is The World is Flat by Thomas Friedman. My favorite movie? Miracle on Ice.

What historical figure do you admire and why?
The interviewer wants to know whether you are well read and what characteristics you admire.
Best Answer (include historical figures you personally admire): Personally, I most admire Abigail Adams, John Adam's wife; professionally I admired the leadership style of Ronald Reagan.

What did you do during this six month gap in employment?
Everyone, at some point, will probably have a gap in employment. Do not "waste it".
Best Answer: For the first month, I worked on my "to do list" at home and accomplished a great deal. Then I began building a plan to reenter the workplace. While it took a little longer than I'd anticipated, I've learned a great deal about myself, am rested and looking forward to new challenges in the workplace.

What led you to this point in your life?
The interviewer wants to know if you are unhappy, frustrated, or lost?
My "road of life" has been interesting, sometimes challenging and always rewarding. The steps along the way that have led to this point in my life are, in some ways, very different than I had imagined; however, I like who I am today in part because of my past. An example is when the second company on my resume suddenly closed their doors during a down-turn in the economy. For a very brief time, the road ahead was unknown; however, I discovered I had previously untapped strengths such as perseverance.

Remembering Mai

Today, March 17th is Mai's birthday. He would have been 53 years old. He is sorely missed! Happy Birthday, Mai!

Back to the Old Grind

I recently took a career dive! I'm back in the office scene, bundy clock and all that stuff! hahahaha

After four years of consultancy work, i decided to take on a full time office job doing communication and marketing stuff for an English language center in Ortigas.

It is a welcome change as the pace is less stressful. Not to mention the new wonderful people I've met. It's nice to be back in the grind...